The Day I Failed At Motherhood

It was a Monday morning. The weekend had been filled with busyness, it felt as though we had not even had one moment to catch our breath and the week was upon us once again. I awoke to a house that was disheveled by the hustle and bustle of running in and out from one engagement to the next. Okay, I thought, I am going to whip this house into shape! I am one of those people who simply cannot relax or enjoy my day if my house is in disarray (thanks, Mom!).

I fed the kiddos breakfast and immediately got to work. I enlisted the help of the children. I was working on the dishes and kitchen clean-up and I asked my almost four year old and my five year old to pick up all the toys in the living room and vacuum. My five year old daughter LOVES to vacuum - and it works as a great incentive to get things picked up off the floor.

After a few minutes I heard her turn the vacuum on, and I continued on my busy way finishing up the kitchen. A short while later, after the hum of the vacuum had long since dissipated and the children had wondered off to play - I walked into the living room full of expectation. I was expecting it to be clean and cozy. I was expecting to be able to sit down on the couch and relax for a moment. But, all my expectation-filled eyes saw were toys that had never been picked up and a section of the floor that had never been swept.

Seriously?!? I thought to myself. And then - in a mutation all too natural - I morphed into a monster.

"Are you kidding me? You were supposed to clean this up!" I grit my teeth and throw my hands in the air.

I pause, and having a moment of clarity I think - you sound ridiculous...but, not to be deterred by ridiculousness, I soldier on with my rampage.

"Mommy just cleaned the whole kitchen and all I asked you to do was pick up these toys and vacuum! There are toys left out and spots that didn't even get swept! I cannot believe --" 

I gasp...and it hits me in the gut like a freight train. What was I doing? Was I seriously acting like this? How could I spew so much anger? And I hear a tiny whimper coming from the dining room. I walked towards the sound and there in the corner is my five year old, curled up with fresh tears in her eyes. She looks at me with those water-filled eyes and says;

"I was just trying to be helpful."

My knees feel weak. I am a failure. I am the worst mother ever. Jesus, I need you! I pick up that defeated little girl and wrap her in my arms. I feel the tears begin to spill over my lashes and run hot down my cheeks. I try to swallow the hard lump in my throat and I can't catch my breath. I sit her on the kitchen counter so that I can look into her eyes.

"Evelyn, I am so sorry. {sob} Mommy was wrong. {sob} I love you so much." I pause for a moment to compose myself. Praying for help - God, what do I say? And a calm washes over my body. I look into the face of my sweet girl. The face I have kissed and caressed so many times. The same hazel eyes that I stared into as I nursed my sweet baby...the same button nose that I have nuzzled time and time again...I would never do anything to hurt this precious gift God has given me.

And yet...I was a puddle of regret. No - bigger than that. A sea of remorse.

"Mommy was very wrong. I should not have spoken like that. Did you know that sometimes mommy's and daddy's make mistakes?" She shook her head, and looked at me with anticipation.

"I made a mistake. You were being very helpful and I was having a very bad attitude. It is not okay for me to act that way. Will you forgive me?" She nodded and smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck. Oh, the sweet free-flowing forgiveness of a child.

"I need to tell Jesus that I am sorry and ask Him to help me have a better attitude. Will you pray with me?" I asked. In a very serious tone, she said 'yes'. And so we prayed together in the middle of the kitchen - asking for forgiveness and guidance. When we finished, I looked into her now dry and bright eyes and I wrapped her in my arms. I kissed her head and told her I loved her {a few dozen times}. "I love you too, Mommy" she happily replied and then skipped along her way.

I could make excuses. I could say that it had been a long weekend, and the baby was up half the night teething, and - and - and...but it does not matter. As Amy Carmichael says,

"For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."

My water was far from sweet. My cup was half-filled with something more murky - stagnant and filthy from sitting for days never being refilled. You see that "busyness" had not only caused my house to be in disarray, but my heart as well. It had been days since I had communed with my Father, meditated on His word and rejuvenated my soul. I was a fraud - an impostor. Racing through the days, performing task after task. With each one I resented it more and more but felt trapped by the commitments and expectations.

But Abba Daddy - He is full of grace. An ocean of grace to swallow my regret. I found myself graveling on the floor at His feet. Grasping for the cup in His hand. Just one taste of His sweet mercy. And He lifts the head of this broken and weary daughter, places His gentle hand under my chin and pours the cup over me. I am a a mess - dripping with forgiveness. It is warm and it tastes like honey. I bask in His glory and goodness.

How great the Father's love for us. I see my reflection in the eyes of my daughter and a monster stares back at me. But, He looks upon my mistakes and sees a weak and wounded child - a daughter who needs more and more of Him. He does not yell or hiss or spew angry words. He draws me ever closer to His heart - and whispers sweet love songs to my soul. He is the greatest example of love without conditions - and grace without contingency. I hear the joyous laughter of my daughter down the hall, in spite of my failures and I have been restored and redeemed. His grace is sufficient, even in my weakness. The truth is...I didn't fail - I learned a very valuable lesson. Tomorrow is a new day and I will do better.

{My sweet gracious girl with her grace-seeking mama}

I keep this scripture posted on a dry erase board in our home as a constant reminder:

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." 
-James 1:19-21

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Have you ever had one of these "failure" moments?
Have you had to humble yourself and apologize your children?