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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

3 Tips for the Newlywed Wife



Today I am celebrating 8 years of marriage to my husband...

{Our Wedding Day ~ May 7th, 2005}


I am certainly NOT a marriage expert, and still make many mistakes (just ask my husband!). We have seen ups and downs in these eight years - financial hardships, unemployment, lots of closed doors...but God has been faithful and I am truly blessed with a wonderful marriage. I have {sorta} figured a few things out...especially from those newlywed days. The first few months of my marriage were a challenge and a huge adjustment. So, I have a few words of advice for newlywed wives, from a {slightly} more experienced wife:

It is okay to mourn your former life. 
My husband and I had been married for about a week, we were not taking a honeymoon for a few weeks until my husband finished school that year, so life had just continued on as "normal" after our wedding. Except...it wasn't normal. A week before I had been an unmarried 20 year old girl living with my parents, still sharing a room with my younger sister. And now, I was married, living in a 2 bedroom apartment of my own, and sharing a room with my husband. It was a bit of a shock. I even had a completely new name. Emily Moody was simply a memory now.
And then - probably due to the stress of the wedding - I ended up getting the flu. I remember sitting in our little bathtub, in our little apartment, and tears began to flow. I missed my mom. I missed my family (even though they were only a few minutes away - it just wasn't the same). I wanted to just curl up in my bed at my parents home and be taken care of. My husband was trying his best to take care of me, but he was in school and working two jobs at the time. And so, I let myself grieve that night. I wept for the little girl that was gone. I mourned "Emily Moody". Those tears were swept away by the drain in the tub, and it felt like some of my former self was sucked into the drain along with them.
And that was okay. It was good. I loved my husband and was so excited about our future together. I also loved my childhood and my family. But I needed say goodbye to the childish girl I had been for twenty years, so that I could fully embrace my new life as a woman and as a wife...as Emily Powers.

Your happiness cannot depend upon your spouse.
Someone's happiness depending on you is a lot of pressure. Don't put that pressure on your husband. If you are expecting to "feel" in love, happy and joyful towards your husband every moment of everyday - you will be sorely disappointed. He is human and he will make mistakes. Likewise, do not put that pressure on yourself. You cannot always make your husband happy. I am being honest, sweet sister - you will fail.
But there is a way that you can have a happy marriage. How? Focus on pleasing God in your marriage. Pray for wisdom and understanding towards your husband. Pray that God will help your husband to understand your needs as well. Instead of expecting your husband to read your mind, simply tell him what you need from him. Communicate a lot. Tell him your deepest fears, your most private needs and your biggest dreams. Listen to him. Support his goals and hopes. Be a servant. Stop looking at what your husband isn't doing for you, and look at what you can do for him. Trust me, if you are selflessly serving your husband, in time - you will receive great rewards in return. 

Don't try to "change" your husband. 
Look at it this way: Your husband is exactly who God created him to be. Sure, he has flaws. So do you. If it is not a heart issue, then it is simply your preference. When you try to change who your husband is, you are trying to change the very workmanship of God. That is not your job. You are simply not qualified for it. You cannot see God's master plan for your husband. Focus on what you need to change about yourself. God will show you the areas in your heart that need surrendered and the places that need bettered.
If there is truly an area that you feel your husband needs to surrender to God, then there is a way that you can help him. It is not by nagging. It is not by manipulating. It is through prayer. You have the authority to claim good things over your husband's life. Believe good about your husband. Believe that he will be the man you need him to be. Tell God all of those things. And then trust God and your husband. Be willing to let go of your "ideals" and let God work. God knows and loves your husband. He sees his heart and wants him to be the man he created him to be - the husband he created for you. Just love your husband and let God change him.



Teachable {MOM}ent:
You can never go wrong by allowing God to lead your marriage. But it requires you to be willing to do whatever God asks - which might even mean that you need to change!

Thank you for stopping by on Teachable Tuesday! Please leave a comment & share :)
Did you struggle adjusting to married life?
What lessons have you learned in your marriage?



21 comments:

  1. Wow! Ive been married for going on 6 years and I just learned so much from this blog. I first just want to thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject because it is really hard adjusting to being married and learning to live a new life and a new person so to speak. The biggest lesson that I have learned it so pick your battles....somethings you just have to let go, because its really not worth the fight. Also to let God take the lead...I cant handle everything and I had to learn to stop trying. Once I did that things got a little easier for me. Marriage is a process and you have to be willing to let it go through that process even if it mean having some bad days and moments when you want to through in the towl on it all.

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    1. Thank you for your feedback! You are definitely right about picking your battles. That is a huge lesson in marriage - and one I am still working on :)

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  2. We've only been married about 2 months (on the 9th), but I just have to tell you how your first point resonated with me. I even had that discussion with him one night about what a huge adjustment it was and how there needs to be some way to ease into married life...ha ha. Thanks for writing this! =)

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    1. Congratulations on your marriage! It is definitely an adjustment, isn't it? Give yourself some time and some grace. After eight years, I hardly remember life before ;)

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  3. This is very beautiful. Thank you! I will be pinning it for our readers. Truly lovely.

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    1. Thank you for your feedback and for sharing :)

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  4. You are so right -- the change of mindeset is a doozy! Looking back, many of our first year's squabbles were over the adjusting. *Logically*, it made sense for me to move to where he was from (because we knew we wanted me to be a SAHM, so moving to where his job was made more sense than moving to where mine was), but it just was hard to move from a big city where everything was a 5-10 min walk to a very rural area where even to go grocery shopping was a half hour drive. I very much lost my identity. I've got a new perception of me now that we've been married almost 16 years, but it has taken time. I wish I had been "warned" about that part.

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    1. Wow - I am sure that would have been a huge adjustment! Thank you for your comment. Be blessed :)

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  5. Yep, Yep and Yep! Very well said, Emily. I've been married 8 years as well and I think I still mourn the loss of my "maiden name" self. I've just learned, as you have, that it's actually ok to do so. What a perfect picture it is of Christ and His church though, isn't it? We put off the old self and join with Him in a selfless relationship where our own identities no longer matter. All that matters is who we are anew in Him.

    Thank you for blessing me with this great post. I found you though Family Fun Friday. Excited to be following you!

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    1. That is a great analogy! I love it :) Thank you for your wonderful comment. Blessings to you.

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  6. It feels good to know I wasn't the only one who had a few tearful nights those first few months of married life! I felt like a child as I wept, but inside I just kept thinking...I want my mother.

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    1. Aw, I definitely understand! Thank you for your feedback. Be blessed :)

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  7. This post is so encouraging! Thank you for your honesty and sharing.

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    1. Thank you for your feedback! Have a blessed day :)

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  8. Emily, this was excellent! Very important and needed advice! I featured you on the link-up this week! Blessings, friend!

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    1. Thank you so much! I feel honored :)

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  9. Hey!! Your post is among the top three so will be featured tomorrow, shared on FB, Twitter, and Pinned on Pinterest.

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  10. Holy wow. I'm getting married in 18 days and am struggling with the three things you mentioned above. I cannot thank you enough for your words and advice. I will be saving this as a bookmark and reading it often as a reminder.

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  11. I came across your blog today and loved this article. I am engage to a wonderful man. We've been together 12 years and will be married in May of next year. And I'm looking for "godly" advice on becoming a wife. Since we have been together for so long, it seems like it should be a breeze, but I know dating is totally different than being married...and I want to approach this with wisdom...

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I really appreciate your comment! I read every one and try to reply in a timely fashion. Have a blessed day :)

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