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Monday, June 1, 2015

I am Not a Disappointment



You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail...

You asked us to...and so we stepped out - in faith. We walked away from Pastoral ministry, walked away from our home, walked away from comfort, walked away from "normal". We were scared - but we wanted something radical, we were done with mundane. Still, I heard the voices...

You are failures.

You are ruining your kids' lives.


I knew they were lies. You told us - job, home, church. Quickly You provided a job for Ben. We moved into an RV - 6 people in less than 500 square feet of space. My brother and sister-in-law allowed us to park the RV next to their barn. We worked hard to make it feel like a home, and we began to settle in. We found a church that welcomed us - not because we were Pastors, not because we were doing anything for them - but simply because.

And there I find you in the mystery, in oceans deep, my faith will stand...

We started to see the light at the end of a long and stressful tunnel. And then the knock came at the door, the knock that threatened our new little slice of comfort. Zoning was called. We had two weeks to either move out of the RV, or move the RV off the property. We didn't understand why this was happening. What will we do? Where will we go?

I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when Oceans rise...

We prayed that You would provide a new home, or a new place to park the RV. You're so good, You provided both. A wonderfully generous family from our new church - whom we had never even met, graciously offered to let us move the RV onto their property. I cannot even begin to explain how much it moved us to see Your love in full action - ready to meet our needs. My brother & sister-in-law were already planning to renovate their basement, and also offered to move up their renovation schedule so that we could move into their basement.

My soul will rest in your embrace, for I am yours, and you are mine...

We prayed about it and decided that it would be best for the kids to stay where we already were, close to their cousins and move into the basement. So after a whirlwind couple of weeks, we moved out of the RV, into the basement and put the RV up for sale. Yes, you heard that right - the RV we had just spent 6 weeks remodeling, we were now going to say goodbye to...Again the voices came...

You have failed.

You are a disappointment.

But Your grace enveloped us. You said, keep following, Keep trusting. It wasn't easy. It isn't easy. I haven't told very many people about what is going on. I was ashamed. Embarrassed. I wanted to wait until it was all nicely tied up with a bow. You know - we went through this really hard time, but now we're on the other side. We walked through deep waters, but now we're on the shore and sun is shining! But that's not where we are - we are still in the depths of the water - treading. Multiple calls of interest to buy the RV, and multiple no-shows...it has not sold yet.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you've never failed and you wont start now...

We spent last evening with a few family and friends, worshiping and sharing our hearts. As I shared, You began to speak through a sweet new friend. I am not a disappointment. You are proud of me. We have not failed. You are proud of us. I am not an embarrassment. I am your daughter, in whom you are pleased. We stepped out in faith - we actually put action to our words. We said, we'll follow your lead - and we are. It doesn't look like we thought it would - but that doesn't mean it's not your good and perfect will for us. Just like a baby taking their first steps, the mother is not disappointed when they fall - we rejoice for the steps they took. You are rejoicing over our step of faith. we still don't know what the future holds, what comes next...and that's okay. I began to think of the song, "Oceans" (Hillsong) - a song that has meant so much to us lately and what if I really meant the words? What if I'm actually living the lyrics to that song?

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters WHEREVER you would call me. 
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior. 

Walking. Stumbling. Trusting. Blindly. Following. Farther. Deeper. Closer...

May we ever trust you more. When we are in the wilderness, there is nothing else to do but simply rest in knowing that You've got us...You've got this.








1 comment:

  1. We can relate....our hearts go out to you - and we rejoice as you grow in Him!

    ReplyDelete

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